People · Boundaries
Setting a boundary
A boundary is what you're okay with and how you want to be treated, with a partner, roommate, friend, parent or boss. Decide your line, then say it once, directly, with an "I" statement: "I'm okay texting during the day, but not multiple times an hour." Rehearse it, keep any explanation brief (no is a complete sentence), and decide ahead of time what you'll do if it's ignored. If you're afraid to bring it up because of how they'll react, that's a warning sign.
You'll need
- A few minutes to think about what bothers you and why
- A friend to practice with, if you want
What to know
- Figure out your line. Pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable, what's important to you, what you want to keep private, and any dealbreakers. Writing it down helps. Source: love is respect1
- Know that boundaries can be emotional, physical or digital. Examples: following each other on social media but not sharing passwords; holding hands but not in public; quiet time to yourself every day. Source: love is respect1
- Write out what you'll say and rehearse it out loud, or role-play with a friend and ask for honest feedback. Source: Mayo Clinic2
- Say it with an "I" statement, simple, specific and clear: "I'd like you to knock before coming in," not "You never respect my privacy". Source: Mayo Clinic2
- Keep explanations short. No is a complete sentence, and you don't owe a reason. If an explanation fits, keep it brief. Source: Mayo Clinic2
- Back it with body language: stand or sit upright, face the person, keep regular eye contact, a neutral expression and uncrossed arms. Source: Mayo Clinic2
- If you're too upset, wait until you're calmer, if you can. Source: Mayo Clinic2 See Cooling down before you respond.
- Decide your follow-through before the conversation. If it's ignored, repeat it once, calmly. If it keeps happening, act on what you decided: leave the room, end the call, stop lending money, or spend less time with that person.
With a partner
"I'm cool with texting during the day, but not multiple times an hour. I'll answer when I can."
With a roommate
"I need the room quiet after 11 on weeknights because I have early classes. Can we agree on that?"
With a friend who borrows money
"I'm not lending money anymore. It's nothing personal; it's just a rule I've set for myself."
With a parent
"I love you and I want to hear your advice. I also need to make this decision myself."
At work
"I can't take on that project right now without dropping something. Which should come first?"
Passive, aggressive or assertive?
From Mayo Clinic. Source: Mayo Clinic2
| Style | Sounds like | What happens |
|---|---|---|
| Passive | "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." | Others ignore your needs; stress and resentment build |
| Aggressive | Bullying, ignoring others' feelings | Trust and respect weaken; people avoid you |
| Passive-aggressive | Saying yes when you mean no, sarcasm, complaining behind backs | Relationships get damaged over time |
| Assertive | "I disagree." "I would like you to help with this." | Direct and respectful; best chance your message lands |
See it done
Video by RTÉ - IRELAND’S NATIONAL PUBLIC SERVICE MEDIA Ireland's public broadcaster Public media
Setting Boundaries
Full title on YouTube: “Setting Boundaries| Mental Health Lessons | RTÉ Player Original”2022 · Checked October 3, 2026
From Ireland's public broadcaster. Her “if you continue to raise your voice, I'm leaving” is the follow-through in step 8.
Video won't load at school or work? No problem. Everything you need is in the steps; the video's just a bonus. Watch it on YouTube later.
If it doesn't work
- They push back, guilt you or get angry? In a healthy relationship, people respect boundaries once they've been said. Source: love is respect1 If you're afraid to bring one up because they might react with anger or violence, that's a warning sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Source: love is respect1 See Green flags and red flags.
- You froze and said yes? Practice saying "No, I can't do that now" in low-stakes moments first. Source: Mayo Clinic2 You can go back later and say, "I said yes earlier, but I've thought about it and I can't."
- Want to talk it through? loveisrespect advocates are available by phone at 866-331-9474, by chat, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522. Source: love is respect1 Feeling unsafe? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, Source: The Hotline3 or 911 in an emergency.
Good to know
The details, if you want them. Tap a line to open it.
Boundaries can change
It's normal for boundaries to shift as you get more comfortable, and you can change your mind any time. Just change them because you want to, not because you're pressured. Source: love is respect1
Ask about theirs
Not sure where someone else's line is? Ask: "Is this okay?" or "Are you cool with this?". Source: love is respect1
Why it's worth it
Being assertive can help you manage stress, especially if you take on too much because saying no is hard. Source: Mayo Clinic2
Take it with you
Printable cardDownload card (PDF)Sources
- love is respect What are my boundaries?
- Mayo Clinic Being assertive
- National Domestic Violence Hotline Warning signs of abuse
Lesson R4.1 · Last checked October 2, 2026 against the sources listed.
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