Family dynamics as an adult

What to know

1. Expect the relationship to change. Psychologist Laurence Steinberg says most conflicts between parents and grown children are about autonomy and independence. Source: APA¹
2. Living at home? Talk about expectations early. Steinberg says the first order of business when you move back in is talking through your expectations and theirs, so nobody slides back into old teenage patterns. Source: APA¹ Common topics: guests, chores, meals and whether you're expected at family dinner. Source: APA¹
3. Put the money deal in words. If family helps you financially, say what the help is, how long it lasts and what (if anything) is expected back. Unclear money is a common source of friction (our observation, not a study).
4. Know why you're having the conversation. APA's article says that if your goal is to win an argument or prove someone wrong, you've already lost. Aim to understand how the other person came to see it their way. Source: APA²
5. Fight fair. Stick to one issue at a time, state it clearly with facts, use "I" statements instead of blaming "you" statements, invite their side, and listen without interrupting. Source: APA²
6. Disagree without attacking. You can disagree about a topic without putting the person down. Source: APA² NIH's checklist says the same: conflicts shouldn't turn into personal attacks. Source: NIH³
7. Ask for what you need, and set limits. NIH's healthy-relationship checklist: share your feelings honestly, ask for what you need, decide what you are and aren't willing to do, and know it's OK to say no. Source: NIH³ See Setting a boundary.
8. Agree to disagree when you need to. You won't settle every family argument over dinner, and you can still walk away understanding each other better. Source: APA²
9. Try their view, and ask them to try yours. Steinberg's advice for both generations is to be compassionate and look at the situation from the other generation's perspective. Source: APA¹

A house-rules talk to copy

"I'm really grateful I can stay here. I want this to work for all of us, so can we agree on a few things? I'll pay [amount] on [date] and handle [chores]. I'll text if I'm out past [time] so nobody worries. Can we talk about guests and meals? And can we check in after a month to see how it's going?"

Words that help in a hard conversation

• "I feel ___ when ___. What I'd like is ___."
• "Help me understand how you see it."
• "Let's stick to this one thing for now."
• "We see this differently, and that's OK."
• "I'm going to take a break and come back to this tomorrow."

If it doesn't work

• A topic always blows up? Some topics are too touchy, even with good intentions. You can step back from that one and still stay connected. Source: APA²
• Need distance? Taking space can be as simple as shorter visits, a hotel instead of the guest room, or a few weeks between calls. Say it kindly and plainly: "I need a little space for a while. I'll call you on Sunday."
• Old patterns keep coming back? Steinberg says families are in new territory and don't know the rules, which is why the expectations talk matters. Source: APA¹ Have it again; rules can change.
• Feeling worn down by it? Talking with a counselor can help you sort out what you want. See Finding a therapist you can afford.